Some of you out there are riding the gravy train with a girlfriend or spouse whose income is much greater than your own. (The Hangover knows the trip.) It’s a safe bet that at some point you will screw it up. You’ll want to go crawling back with roses or chocolate, and that’s a good idea. But in your other hand, you’d be wise to to carry a Rob Gordon-type (High Fidelity) mixed CD. You’ll want to burn a disc with songs that tell her you appreciate, respect, and worship her. But you’ll want to do it with style and wit, and you’ll want to be able to walk around the house without wincing when she plays it. So in addition to any number of sappy love songs (which The Hangover assumes you can figure out on your own), you’ll also need these:
The Hangover’s Songs For When You’ve Screwed It Up With Your Rich Girlfriend (or Spouse):
“Working Girl” by The Members
The chorus of this song states with luxious harmonies, “Hey, I’m in love/I’m in love/I’m in love with the Working Girl.” Those words will no doubt bring a smile to Baby’s face as they are repeated again and again. The Members are clearly grateful, as are you, for Baby’s hard work. As the chorus echoes in her head, she’ll probably miss lines like, “If she works nine to five trying to keep my love alive/If she works from nine to five, that’s okay with me,” and “She can go out to work and bring home her money for me.” No, you don’t have to grovel while telling her you love her–and the results of her hard work.
“I Touch Myself” by Divynls
Although sung by a husky-voiced Christina Amphlett, the sentiments are what counts. Is not thinking of Baby during self-pleasuring the most heartfelt form of appreciation and flattery? This song is all about the hold she has on you. She’ll again see herself as the object of your affection and forget about the jaw-dropping, bug-eyed face you made when that blonde in the little black dress walked past your table the last time you took Baby out to dinner. (Which was probaly months ago. Another reason to burn this disc.)
“She Makes Me Feel Big” by The Fools
This is a hip retro-swing number. The singer comes home beaten and defeated by the daily grind. Only his girl can restore his pride and dignity, and make him big again. Isn’t that what Baby does for you? And won’t she be thrilled to recognize the nurturing role she plays in your life? The band backs up the lead vocals a response that emphasizes her glorious powers: “She makes me feel big/Big Big Big/That’s why I love her.” It is a simple, sweet lament. Baby will love it.
“She Pays The Rent” by The Lyres
This one gets down and dirty. The Lyres have lived on the outs and are happy to be in–as in “in an apartment.” The garage band guitars and organ cook, as MonoMan’s vocals lustily cry out with gratitude. Baby will feel better about herself and you for your allowing herself to keep you alive. The lyrics recognize that “She don’t love me the way that she used to/And when she kisses me I know that we’re through” but that doesn’t stop The Lyres. They answer: “But I do love her with no regret/because she pays, she pays the rent.” Sound familiar? Better burn her two discs.
“Cheatin'” by The Gin Blossoms
Okay, say you’ve really done it. You’ve slept with A) Her Sister, B) Her Best Friend, or C) Any other woman on the planet. You are in big trouble. You’ve probably blown it for good. So take a shot with this song. Gin Blossoms songwriters Jesse Valenzuela and Doug Hopkins pen the tale of a poor soul being away and lonely–and making the ultimate mistake. They come clean and don’t want to throw it all away over one minor indiscretion. Their lyrical reasoning:
She had a way just like you do
To make me feel just like a woman should
You cant call it cheatin
Cause she reminds me of you…
Hey, at this point, anything’s worth a try.
BONUS TRACKS: If you’ve made it this far through the post, you might be in real trouble. The Hangover is here to help, again. We’ve recommended that some sappy love songs accompany the above selections. But Baby doesn’t need a disc full of “More Than Words”, “Everything I Do (I Do For You),” and post-Beatles Paul McCartney. To that end, here are two classics that you won’t be ashamed to hear bouncing off of your bedrooms walls:
“Loving Cup” by The Rolling Stones
It’s from Exile on Main Street, the Stones at their grittiest, and although there is clear sentiment, no syrup is spilled. The singer has a car that won’t start, is stumbling, and plays a bad guitar (sounds like The Hangover in his Heyday). But a drink from Baby’s loving cup will make it all good. You’re down and out and she can bring you back: Let her know it with a real band and you stand a chance.
“Cupid” by Graham Parker
Baby probably sees herself as a modern woman, especially if she is supporting you. So give her a modern version of this Sam Cooke hit. The lyrics are simple. The music is acoustic and quiet, but it still swings. Parker’s vocals are honest and true. This one hits the bulls-eye of Baby’s heart.