The media frenzy surrounding reports of Sarah Palin’s attempt to ban books from the Wasilla Public Library is somewhat off the mark. On becoming mayor of the thriving Alaskan metropolis in 1996, she did not attempt to ban specific books from the town library. She simply inquired with the librarian about how she would react if Palin did attempt to ban books. It was a rhetorical question, Palin claimed, according to the Mat Su Valley Frontiersman. This puts the Hangover at ease. Luckily for those left wing advocates of free speech, Library Director Mary Ellen Emmons actually had a backbone (not to mention respect for the Constitution) and symbolically told Palin to take a long walk off a short iceberg.
The good news is that if the McCain-Palin ticket is elected, the nation will enjoy some consistency in the Vice Presidential positition. If one of Palin’s first acts as mayor is to determine what level of censorship she could wield in her position, she’ll feel very comfortable behind Dick Cheney’s desk. He doesn’t believe we know what’s good for us, either. It’s certainly reassuring to have such honest, god-fearing leaders to do our thinking for us. The Hangover would hate to waste time reading books and following government, especially with the season premiere of Desperate Housewives only weeks away.
This being something of a literary site, The Hangover had to wonder just what books Palin was hoping to strike from the library. Consdier me cynical, but there had to be some specific targets. To determine what works these might be, we scanned the list of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990-2000 and tried to discern which qualified for her lets-get-rid-of-them platform.
The Hangover immediately eliminated the following from Palin’s agenda:
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Little Black Sambo, and Native Son: How many African-Americans can there be in Wasilla?
Sex (by Madonna), Sex Education, Girls and Sex, Women on Top, Boys and Sex, What’s Happening to my Body, Asking About Sex and Growing Up: With all the kids they’re popping out up there in Wasilla, I don’t think sex was a worrisome issue for Palin. Apparently, they’re good at it.
Brave New World, Of MIce and Men, The Catcher in the Rye, Lord of the Flies: These books are only read by eastern and urban elites who vote Democrat. No one in Alaska would be caught dead with any of them.
Slaughterhouse Five, The Dead Zone, Tiger Eyes, To Kill a Mockingbird, Cujo, Scary Stories, The Goats, The Pigman: With the hunting and outdoor sporting culture in Alaska, anything involving possible game and/or killing of possible game has to be considered acceptable reading.
All poetry could be considered safe: No one reads it anyway, outside of the beret-wearing fops in New York and San Francisco.
To be honest, The Hangover had never heard of many of the books on the list. And if we’ve never heard of them, it’s probably safe to assume that a busy hockey mom and Mayor like Palin never did either. That takes care of another eighty.
Palin’s Possible Targets:
By process of elimination, The Hangover concludes that Palin had two particular volumes which she wished to eradicate from the Wasilla Public Library’s shelves:
- Private Parts by Howard Stern. Howard is one of those northeastern liberal intellectuals. And he has a potty mouth. And he is one of America’s strongest advocates of free speech. You can’t have that kind of thinking threatening the way of life in Alaska.
- The Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling. If Wasilla’s children became engrossed in reading about the fantasy world of wizards, puny English kids, Cheney Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Harry, they wouldn’t have time to play hockey, babysit their many siblings, and have underage, unprotected sex.
The country owes a debt of gratitude to Library Director Ellen Emmons. Censorship is defeated. And because of that, The Hangover’s dream is alive–hoping to one day author a book that will vie for consideration on the 2010-2020 list of Most Frequently Challenged.
What? Who wants this blog shut down?