John Edwards Sex Scandal Good News

24 Jul

It was bad enough when The Hangover’s endorsement of John Edwards scuttled his 2008 presidential bid.  Now the National Enquirer is reporting that the former Senator is involved in a sex scandal.  As always, the Hangover is ready to examine the facts.  

The first step is to consider the source.  Exactly when did the National Enquirer become a reputable member of the media?  Perhaps it was when their correspondents started appearing on the Howard Stern show.  It could have been when the NE got its own TV show, Uncovered, in 1999, only to see it get cancelled in 2001.  However, The Hangover has determined the NE became credible when actual newspapers actually started citing the tabloid as a source in their own pathetic attempts to cover Lindsay Lohan’s binge drinking–the single most important and compelling news story of the current century. 

The Facts:  The Enquirer reported that at 9:45 on July 21st Edwards appeared at the Beverly Hilton.  Hmmm.  NE Reporter Alan Butterfield deduced that “he (Edwards) wasn’t carrying anything.”  Suspicious, indeed.  The Enquirer gang then hounded Edwards like a combination of Sherlock Holmes, Jacques Clouseau, and Deputy Dawg.  They reported that when cornered, Edwards looked like a “deer in caught in headlights!”  Not only can the NE reporters investigate, they are brilliant and original writers, too.  How could one not believe them?

And so what if Edwards was having an affair?  He is simply following in the footsteps of all the great Democractic political thinkers of the modern era:  John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Gary Hart, and William J. Clinton.  (Additionally, the incident differentiates Edwards from those Republicans caught in sex scandals, which generally operate under same-sex scenarios; not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  Mr. Obama, The Hangover urges you to heed this fine Democratic lineage and give Mr. Edwards a position in your cabinet.  Make the man your Attorney General. 

The Enquirer’s reporting of the scandal means that the Republicans view him as a threat.  In an Obama administration, Edwards could potentially be the first AG since Robert Kennedy to actually care about working class and poor Americans.  Maybe then the 95% of us who aren’t enjoying George W. Bush’s tax cuts could stop getting screwed.  How ironic.

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3 Responses to “John Edwards Sex Scandal Good News”

  1. casaloma July 24, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    thank you but no Thanks edwards. johnny is a wimp for he does not own up to being the Father of the baby but keeps hiding ,ducking and wimping like a scared cat. America needs a man of integrity and honour as A.G. king hussein obama and johnny edwards are not men of honour and should be vetted more thoroughly than so far. God Bless America and Damn king hussein obama and john edwards . Amen.

  2. aaron, of course July 25, 2008 at 3:17 pm #

    Can’t these darn Dems keep it in their pants?!? Unfortunately, Edwards cheating on his wife, who herself is battling cancer,will probably move him up any depth charts he may be on for possible posts should we be so unlucky as to have Obama president. His problem is that he actually seems to have LIKED his mistress, unlike Gary Condit, who just had Shondra Levi murdered. What other unfaithful Dems come to mind. Hhhhmmmm….

    1) Of course JFK. This awful husband/father had a mistress who serenaded Mr. President with a shameful rendition of ‘happy birthday.’ JFKs wife was sitting RIGHT BESIDE him at the time. I wonder how awful she must have felt. The event was televised for the world to see, and has been saved for posterity. Incidentally, after JFK was gunned down, his younger brother, Robert, took MM as HIS mistress.

    2) Gary Hart. A picture is worth 1,000 words…and an election. Nuff said.

    3) Bubba. This one hurt me the worst, personally. I loved the guy, and when he went on national TV, looked into the camera and said ” Let me make 1 thing very clear. I did NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS with that woman, Monica Lewinski.’ the issue was over for me. He had looked right at me and denied any misconduct with that girl, who was just a few years older than his very own daughter. When I found out that he had lied to me and the world, I was crushed. Damn him forever. I have been unable to smoke cigars ever since.

    4) Jim McGreevy, former Dem gov of NJ. So he was married. So he had kids. So what. That wasn’t enough to stop him from frequenting rest-stops and taking up with a male staffer. His wife found out about his gay philandering via TV!!! His trandgressions put his wife and kids at risk of disease (a real threat that has devastated a family I know personally.) But his story has a ‘happy ending’, as it were. He’s now living happily with a man. I saw the glowing couple on Larry King.

    5) Eliot Spitzer. Governor of NY. Boinked a hooker. Left a paper trail of the $$. Dumb jerk.

    6) ‘Rev.’ Jackson. Baby out of wedlock. And a reverand to boot! Oops. Gives a new meaning the the Push Coalition.

    7) Ted Kennedy. Chappaquiddich. Wasn’t unfaithful, but let MJ Kopekny drown when he drove his car off a bridge. Didn’t try to save her. Claimed he didn;t know she was in the car. Swam to safety, went to a bar and downed a bunch of drinks so that, when the cops got there he could claim he was sober at the time of the crash, but got drunk right after.

    These are all great and tragic stories. They cheapen us as a country, and they are disrespectful to the citizens of this great land. These are all examples of people who have been unable to keep and respect the oaths they took, before God, to honor, respect and cherish their wives. Are we the dupes for not seeing these charlatans for what they are, or does the responsibility fall on them for intentionally deceiving those who love and respect them?

    In any event John Edwards has been outed as a cad. We can speculate and disect what party is less faithful, or take shots at the Rag that got the scoop (Like we could expect the New York Times to break this story) but the reality is that he now has to face his family, his wife, his kids, his parents, his would-be constituents, look them in they eye and explain what happenned. Of one thing I can be sure, this certainly is of no comfort to his wife as she battles cancer.

  3. Chilly Nate July 28, 2008 at 5:24 am #

    Pretty women out walking with “gorillas” down my street.

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