Dick Cheney: Public Servant Translated

20 Mar

Vice President Dick Cheney has some strong beliefs and he tends to communicate them clearly.  In recent interviews, however, Cheney has made some comments that the average American might find confusing.  In the Hangover’s never-ending commitment to public service, we have translated them below:

From an interview with ABC White House correspondent Martha Raddatz:

Raddatz:  “Two-third of Americans say it’s (the war in Iraq) not worth fighting.”

Cheney:  “So?”

Translation:  “Fuck you, citizens.  You’re the ones who voted us in.  Live with it or move to Canada, (as if any of you morons could even find Canada).” 

Cheney:  “I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls.  There has in fact been fundamental change and transformation and improvement for the better.”

Translation:  “There has been great change.  My friends at the oil companies are enjoying record profits.  So are my pals at Halliburton and their subsidiaries.  My portfolio has never looked better.  That’s the kind of change we can be proud of.”

And from his speech to American troops in Iraq:

Cheney:  (Following 9/11) “So the United States made a decision: To hunt down the evil of terrorism and kill it where it grows, to hold the supporters of terror to account, and to confront regimes that harbor terrorists and threaten the peace.”

Translation:  “It (9/11) was a good excuse to go into Iraq and grab their oil.  Who cares if Osama Bin Laden is still running around free while hooked up to his dialysis machine?  We’ve got Iraq’s oil.  Yipppeeee!”

Cheney:  “They (the Iraqis) know, above all, that America can be trusted.”

Translation:  “The Iraqis know that America can be trusted–to take their oil, to sell them Coke and Pepsi, to bring MTV to the region, and, hell, if we can get those women out of their burqas, you can bet your ass we’ll put up a few Victoria’s Secrets, too.” 

Cheney:  (To the Troops:) “I appreciate your attention this morning — it’s been my privilege to be with all of you. Keep up the great work. And thank you for what you do for all of us. “

Translation:  “It’s a privilege to be here with you troops, who are actually serving your country out of a sense of duty.  And thank you for what you do for me personally–making it possible for my buddies and me to make off with piles and piles of loot.”


3 Responses to “Dick Cheney: Public Servant Translated”

  1. aaron, of course March 20, 2008 at 3:04 pm #

    TH, you’re one heck of a fiction writer. Allow me the honor of offering alternate translations.

    1) So? The Peoples’ representatives in Congress authorized the popularly elected President and Commander in Chief to go to Iraq. Constitutionally, the US could not go to war without that authorization. And with the media highlighting any and all setbacks, and minimizing the positive results of our effort and sacrafice, it’s no wonder that our citizens, while initially supporting the campaign overwhelmingly, have been coerced over the years to view the war negatively. Americans are peace loving and peaceful by nature with a naturally non-violent disposition Additionally, I can think of several wars that were un-popular but have been proven right by history. 1) The War of Independence from English rule. Only 1/3 of the colonists agreed with the effort, and some would say it was orchestrated by an ‘elitist’ bunch. Primarilly wealthy, educated, aristocratic men who have been proven right by history. 2) Civil War, also known by some as the War of Northern Aggression. Not only un-popular but a cause where soveriegn states invaded and occupied other equally sovereign states. American Citizens killed other American Citizens! I’d say that’s kind of the definition of ‘unpopular’. 3) World War 2. Many people thought that Europe was best left to its own devices to settle their destiny themselves. Some view the victory over Naziism and Fascism as a good thing.

    2) You can’t start a thing and then abondon it with the job 1/2 done. It was a good idea then and it’s a good idea now. We’ve already paid the price of victory, now let’s see it to fruition.

    3) Note: I think TH exercised complete editorial privelage here. Hey, it’s his blog! LOL. I just haven’t seen any fabled ‘Iraqi Oil’. Maybe France and Russia bought it all when they were subverting all those UN resolutions and trade restrictions, allowing Saddam Hussein to go on far longer than if the restrictions had been allowed to work.

    4) We haven’t taken their oil, Duh! And of course we are exporting our culture! We are the BEST EVA! McDonald’s on every corner, Lingerie in every closet, and a song in every heart! Hey! It sure beats IMPORTING theirs!

    5) Thanks for taking the fight to our enemies and preventing them from taking it back to us again. In the days after 9/11 everyone I know was waiting for the other boot to drop, for another attack on US soil to kill American Citizens. It has not happened, and we have you to thank. As an aside, I’ve always wondered what the stupid Muslims were thinking, anyway. Did they REALLY think they could pull of a stunt like that w/ a Republican as President and NOT expect us to whoop some ass? Seriously! Clinton must have hypnotized them or something…And that whole piles of loot thing? Name for me the last poor President and Vice President.

    Incidentally, I personally believe that they made a tactical error by not turning the whole of the Middle East into a plate of glass. A couple dozen well placed Big Ones would have saved all these US lives and would have been cheaper. We have the means, but not the will.

  2. alguschip March 20, 2008 at 10:07 pm #

    Aaron, try some decaf.


  1. Sarah Palin’s Banned Books « The Hangover - September 8, 2008

    […] could wield in her position, she’ll feel very comfortable behind Dick Cheney’s desk.  He doesn’t believe we know what’s good for us, either.   It’s certainly reassuring to know that we have such honest, god-fearing […]

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