It was bad enough when The Hangover’s endorsement of John Edwards scuttled his 2008 presidential bid. Now the National Enquirer is reporting that the former Senator is involved in a sex scandal. As always, the Hangover is ready to examine the facts.
The first step is to consider the source. Exactly when did the National Enquirer become a reputable member of the media? Perhaps it was when their correspondents started appearing on the Howard Stern show. It could have been when the NE got its own TV show, Uncovered, in 1999, only to see it get cancelled in 2001. However, The Hangover has determined the NE became credible when actual newspapers actually started citing the tabloid as a source in their own pathetic attempts to cover Lindsay Lohan’s binge drinking–the single most important and compelling news story of the current century.
The Facts: The Enquirer reported that at 9:45 on July 21st Edwards appeared at the Beverly Hilton. Hmmm. NE Reporter Alan Butterfield deduced that “he (Edwards) wasn’t carrying anything.” Suspicious, indeed. The Enquirer gang then hounded Edwards like a combination of Sherlock Holmes, Jacques Clouseau, and Deputy Dawg. They reported that when cornered, Edwards looked like a “deer in caught in headlights!” Not only can the NE reporters investigate, they are brilliant and original writers, too. How could one not believe them?
And so what if Edwards was having an affair? He is simply following in the footsteps of all the great Democractic political thinkers of the modern era: John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Gary Hart, and William J. Clinton. (Additionally, the incident differentiates Edwards from those Republicans caught in sex scandals, which generally operate under same-sex scenarios; not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Mr. Obama, The Hangover urges you to heed this fine Democratic lineage and give Mr. Edwards a position in your cabinet. Make the man your Attorney General.
The Enquirer’s reporting of the scandal means that the Republicans view him as a threat. In an Obama administration, Edwards could potentially be the first AG since Robert Kennedy to actually care about working class and poor Americans. Maybe then the 95% of us who aren’t enjoying George W. Bush’s tax cuts could stop getting screwed. How ironic.